collecting your jar of hearts?

jar of my heart.

So today, I sat for exam. Gosh, I didn't even do well. I guess. History paper took my sane away; and I was actually screaming when I saw those questions I never tend to know about. BM paper was quite easy, except for paper one and paper two part D. I ran out of time - thank God teacher gave us more time. Haaaaaachu!

My mind is still running wild. I think of things so very often, now and then - until I cannot think anymore, ache my own heart, wish for impossible things and whatever. Life is so complicated right now.

When I was just about to relax my freaked mind, I turned around to see my friend but my eyes landed on a pair of eyes that won't stop staring until I frowned at him. You see why exam is so difficult for me today. Somebody was staring at me.

Haha, and actually, he's my boyfriend. I'm being overly dramatic - oh no, I am dramatic. Stupid, head over heels in love dramatic. We kind of... fight? Is that the word? Because until now, I hadn't talk to him. I text him a while ago but he gave no reply.

I should calm down and relax. I could make coffee and let my brain free. I would run at a beach on this hot day - who the hell cares? But all those should and could and would can't help me if I won't do them.

I feel like dying. Die. Die. I want to sleep and wake up in another life where I could be happy and just straighten things up. I feel like someone burying my head in the sand.

Oh bitch ass. I need to go now. I'm tired.

much to my dismay.

People are irritating me. Perhaps going anti-social is the best thing right now. I think. Bythefreezingtitsofhers, just why can't I be happy today? Or maybe indulge with something? Something that would make me feel better. My mind is totally empty. I couldn't stop looking outside the window, freak out when I realized I hadn't drink some coffee or even drink something that would make my tongue feel sweet.

Hell I wish I was happy. I mean, now. I was never happy. I just realized that. First, the problem comes from my parents. Oh, parents have ways to make their child feel intimidated and insecurity. I have grown to parents who... well, fight a lot. Here, I know it's public but where else can I write/type it of? I hate writing, but I like typing. Writing takes so much time... In fact I hate diaries.

Now, I'm stuck between the 'group of people' who wants me to be happy. The question is, am I happy? All my laughs and smiles were not all fake, but they sure didn't mean anything of my happiness. The first part of the people is the people I call; Misjudging. Yes, hell way they did asked me to get rid of my mother. How could I? I mean she delivered me, although I wasn't always with her when I was a baby because she had some work to do. Stupid work. Sometimes, I feel the neglect of love. My brother is way better than I am, and I have to admit that I'm quite jealous of him. But oh well, he's my brother and I still love him no matter how annoying he could be anytime near my period.

The second group of people, I would call them; Too Humble. They always told me to just shut up and go with the flow. Now how can I shut up if I am a real temperamental person with high hopes and hates when someone tries to stop me from doing what I want? Heck. Sometimes, it's good to be humble. But only to your master and your God. Different people, different believes, but that doesn't mean you can be all the way racist and hurting others' feelings. For the sake of the annoying Patrick Star, don't be too humble. You could be bullied, but yet you will get blessings from God. Oh well! This is making me frustrated. Make sure to be loyal... blah.

And then, tomorrow is exam day. Oh, I am just loving how life tortures me when I'm about to get ready for something important. I hope I could concentrate. I think a lot about exams, I do. I have to keep up with exams, and I can't even drop from 49 to 48. Because I have helluva fucking good long explanations to my father if I don't keep up with my good grades. Fuck life.

I won't be updating much. I just love the feeling of pouring my bitching heart out of me. It's so hurtful. I'm fifteen and I can't believe I'm going through this. Not now. Or maybe forever. It's good life goes on. Wouldn't it be good if everybody are just so friendly with you, your life is happy and you have everything you want? Ha. I probably sound crazy by now. I need coffee. Rest. I slept at fucking five and woke up at eight. How lovely my sleep was.

Bye! :)